When I was younger (long, long ago), newspaper obituaries most often stated that the person who was the subject of the obitiuay had died, although in some cases they stated instead that the deceased had passed away. This second usage actually offended some people, who felt that it was an attempt to deny the reality of physical death, but that is not the point I am trying to address here. Instead, I have noted that in recent years, perhaps as newspapers have begun to treat obituaries more as a profit center than as a news item, obituaries have become somewhat more florid, referring to the deceased as having gone to be with Jesus, departed this vale of tears, crossed the rainbow bridge, etc. I don’t necessarily have a problem with this, since those paying for the obituary should be allowed to phrase it in a way that is meaningful to them, but it has occurred to me that another way to approach this matter would be to phrase the information in a way that relates to the decedent’s occupation, since in many cases this is one of the things that most defined the person’s life. With this in mind, I offer the following list, which attempts to identify how in at least some cases a person’s obituary might be worded to reflect that person’s occupation in life:
| Occupation | Manner of Death |
| Building custodian | Kicked the bucket |
| Agribusiness owner | Bought the farm |
| World poker tour participant | Cashed in his/her chips OR Folded his/her hand |
| Motel operator | Checked out |
| Bounty hunter | Went to his reward |
| Rodeo cowboy | Bit the dust |
| Working cowboy | Rode into the sunset OR Went to his last roundup |
| Casino card dealer OR Vaudeville song & dance man OR Shakespearean actor |
Shuffled off this mortal coil |
| Test pilot OR Astronaut | Slipped the surly bonds of earth |
| Sea captain | Sailed into the sunset |
| Professional mover | Relocated |
| Musician | Began decomposing |
| Football quarterback | Passed |
| Football field goal specialist | Kicked off |
| Movie director | Faded to black |
| Professional boxer | Went down for the count |
| Realtor | Moved to a quieter neighborhood |
| Astronomer | Became one with the universe |
| Attorney | Rested his/her case |
| Librarian | Closed the book |
| Travel agent OR Lifelong resident of Alaska | Went south |
| Professional singer | Joined the choir invisible |
| “Survivor” participant | Was voted off the island |
| Navy frogman | Croaked |
| HVAC Technician | Assumed room temperature |
| Geometry teacher | Became horizontal |
| Watch repair person | Ran out of time |
| Orchestra conductor | Laid down his/her baton |
| Professional truck driver | Reached the end of the road |
| Respiratory therapist | Expired |
The items below were added after the original posting of this entry:
| Building Demolition Contractor | Imploded |
| Surgeon | Suspended operations |
| Agricultural Custom Cutter | Met the Reaper |
| Plumber | Went down the drain |
| Postal Carrier | Completed his/her appointed rounds |
| Anesthetist | Began sleeping the big sleep |
| Railroad engineer | Left the tracks |
| Professional genealogist | Joined his/her ancestors |
| Nuclear reactor technician | Went offline |
| Paranormal Investigator | Gave up the ghost |
| Ornithologist | Sang his/her swan song |
I would be happy to receive suggestions for additions or revisions to this list.
I suggest Monty Python’s “Norwegian Blue” sketch (also known as the Dead Parrot Sketch) for a creative list of references to the state of being dead (some of which you have actually covered here.)
For “How did they die?” Random thoughts, generated while attempting to find my ever elusive sleep. Keeping in mind that it’s past midnight, please feel free to take any & all necessary Literary License!!
Laundromat Owner: Completed the Final Rinse.
Beautician: Dyed Their Last Hair (or Head).
Bartender: Emptied the last bottle of Jim Beam (or your fav alcoholic beverage!)
Accountant: Posted the last line in the Ledger.
OR: Balanced their Balance Sheet (Or any other Accounting related document or lingo.)
Fuel Tank Driver: Dumped their Last Load
Landscaper: Made their final cut