This Really Did Happen

I should perhaps add the phrase “to the best of my knowledge and belief” to the title of this post, since I was not directly involved in the incident which I will describe below, and it was not described to me by anyone who was directly involved. However, I was told about this by a person who knew both me and the person involved, the person who related this story to me had no reason to make it up, and it is not at all hard for me to believe that the perpetrator person involved actually did this, given his somewhat offbeat sense of humor. I’ll identify him only by his first name, Theron.

Before describing the incident, I need to add that, in addition to having an ideosyncratic sense of humor, Theron was slender to the point of being skinny, had dark hair and a pale complexion, and in general looked a bit like he might have died recently, after a long struggle with some wasting disease. It’s easy to imagine his being cast in a vampire movie.

With that out of the way, I will explain that the event I’m about to describe resulted from the intersection of two different needs. First, there are always needy college students who need to find ways to save money. Second, because people have an inconvenient habit of dying at all hours of the day and night, rather than only within normal business hours, funeral homes find it necessary to make arrangements to have their phones answered 24 hours every day. In an arrangement that I suspect is not unique, one funeral home in Lawrence, Kansas met both needs by having a small apartment on premises, and making this available rent free to a college student, in return for that student’s promising to be available at specified hours to answer the business’ phone. This is where Theron came in, as the student in this arrangemtnt.

As I mentioned above, Theron had a somewhat offbeat sense of humor, and this got the better of him one night. He knew that a body was to be brought in at a particular time, and a few minutes prior to this time he lay down on the slab and pulled the sheet up over himself. When, shortly thereafter, the two individuals escorting the body wheeled the gurney into the room, they found the slab already occuopied. One said to the other”Oh, they already have a body; what are we going to do?” At this point Theron very slowly sat up, while slowly saying “I’d … be … happy … to move.” Two people then very quickly left the room, only to return shortly thereafter and explain to Theron, in forceful terms, that if he ever did that again he would need the slab. I have to assume, since he lived to tell this story to the person who related it to me, that he was able to restrain himself enough not to tempt fate by trying this again.

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Stan Jones

I am a Kansan by birth, and have lived in Kansas all my life, currently in Topeka. I plan on using this blog to vent, and also to share some of my feeble attempts at humor.

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